Giving was intertwined with being responsible.
This was the normal in the entrepreneurial family I grew up in.
The responsibility to solve problems and take care of others.
I also see this a lot with the beautiful health care professionals I work with today.
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If everything is taken care of at the end of the day, maybe there would be
time left over to take care of ourselves. But at least all is well
and under control.
However all that giving and problem solving can get out of balance.
Especially if you are a sensitive soul, if you feel good about
always doing things right,
like me.
That natural balance of give & take
My business coach Jeroen taught me that there are certain natural laws to life.
And one of them is the correct balance of giving and receiving.
This usually goes way beyond our understanding he said.
It is not as simple as: I just gave you 10 eggs, I need 10 bananas in return.
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There is this delicate balance that life itself decides about.
In order to keep things in harmony, in the larger scheme of things.
Most of the time that happens in a way that we are not that aware of.
When we give to someone or help someone,
and it was not meant to be according to the balance of life...
Our lives go out of balance for a while,
resulting in:
1. The other is denied their opportunity of growth
So the person we think we helped, will not learn or grow. And he or she will most likely get back into similar challenges.
Maybe even worse problems. Or some other kind of problem that on
the surface of life, does not seem related.
2. We carry their burden
When we give and it is not meant to be, we will start feeling drained.
Energy wise, we are carrying the burden of the other.
I noticed I also loose touch with the natural flow of life when I get myself into this.
Less synchronicity and it feels like my timing is a bit off.
And in the mean time, life needs to course correct all of this.
All of our well-meaning interference.
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Helping someone can be so important. And at some events even life changing or life saving.
I am not an advocate for never helping or giving to others.
But taking away someone's opportunity for growth,
is not truly helping, is it.
Draining ourselves in the process is not contributing to life either.
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I had to learn that it is very important, if someone asks you for help,
to feel really well wether I need to help or not.
And if someone did not ask for my help, but I feel like supporting someone,
also then it is so important to get aware of what is really needed
in the situation.
And if we do help, let's always figure out a way to make sure
someone stays autonomous and in healthy
control of their live and
unfoldings.
The body knows
Over time I learned that the body is our best and most accurate navigation system for this.
The body already knows! Way before our minds start to think and get ideas about helping.
The way I navigate giving is by feeling if I have the energy for what is asked.
Or if I want to give freely, do I have the energy for what I want to give.
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It is really as simple as that:
Do I have the energy for this?
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If the answer is No
It is most likely not something I need to do.
Then the person themselves needs to solve their problem.
Or maybe it is someone else's job to help and make the changes required.
But it is not mine.
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If the answer is Yes
It usually feels easy to help.
It is not a mental satisfaction, but a bodily feeling of energy.
I feel grounded or energetic about it and mostly happy or looking forward to be of help.
I've been checking my body for years and I have to say it works really well.
I've experimented with all posibilities ๐ ,
getting myself in all kinds of situations.
I have drained my energy enough times by now,
to deeply trust my body on
my internal sensations of Yes and No.
Being a giver
Jeroen was also the one who made me aware of my patterns of giving.
He remarked that in all the conversations we had, I was always worried about others.
Our conversations were never about me.
I was surprised when he first mentioned that.
But he was right.
Then he told me the path of the giver is a challenging one.
Because giving comes naturally to us, we need to do it.
There is just this thing where it comes at a price when giving gets out of balance.
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I had become very aware of that.
I had my break downs and I burned out big time.
I needed to learn to put myself first, every time.
Also dismantle the concept of responsibility.
Crafting my life in such a way that I could take responsibility for myself first,
meant setting up loving self care structure to ensure that I keep filling my cup.
I guess you can imagine that it is the new norm by now.
It is a very healthy one for all of us by the way,
including the givers.
About those givers, the takers & the matchers
About giving, we are not all givers and that is a good thing.
There is this wonderful TEDTalk by Adam Grant, which holds a great perspective
on the dynamics of the giver and the taker.
If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you watch it:ย TED: Are you a giver or a taker?ย
Adam explains that
25% of us are givers,
19% are takers and
56% are matchers, the majority.
The givers obviously give a lot.
The takers tend to be very charming and very good at getting everyone to give to them.
And the matchers are the one's in the middle.
Matchers will always make sure there is an even balance between give and take. They will come at it like this: 'I will do something for you, if you do something for me'.
Adam shows research results that are deeper layered.
Like givers grades in collage are on average lower. When working their productivity is lower. When selling their revenue is lower.
From this perspective giving all the time does not seems such a great way to live.
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He then presents results from studies showing that givers, because they often sacrifice theirselves, make their organizations so much better at every metric. Yes, really, at every metric! That was so astonishing to me.
Givers will always help their colleagues, their teams, the customers, their bosses
and therefor improve greatly: Company culture, overall quality of services and products
and even influence revenue's significantly.
Without givers all that success would crumble.
He talks about creating a culture where we get the best dynamics of give and take and implement it everywhere: in schools, businesses, non profits, teams,
neighborhoods etc...
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So interesting this talk.
I'll leave it up to you to watch all of it.
I hope givers will succeed
Guess what kind of clients I mostly attract?
Yes, it the sensitive souls, the professionals with very high standards,
the givers, the ones who give 110% or maybe even 150% daily.
They are also the one's with big hearts, who just want life to be beautiful
for everyone around them.
And the thing is, I really love working with them.
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It is the reason why with all my clients I always start with slowing down, improving bodily awareness and setting up healthy self care structures.
We can sharply feel what is needed in every situation.
When we live our natural rhythm, we are balanced and we can register
our bodily sensations well.
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Like Adam, I want to live in a world where givers don't tire,
or burnout, but succeed and excel!
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