~ My summer, a time of deep change and diving into not-knowing ~
By April, I felt it clearly, I need to change!
The feeling had been simmering for months, but didn't really push through.
And why should I change? What needs to change? Was it work wise?
I had lovely clients and worked with a committed multi disciplinary team.
I couldn't think of a reason to change that.
So I watched a Simon Sinek video and started contemplating my Why.
What makes me happy? What did I enjoy doing as a child? What gives me sparks and energy? What satisfies me? What are my competences? What makes me unique?
I knew the answers. But they were no longer adequate.
They were the ‘old’ answers, from the old me.
My head got restless at the idea: Change without knowing where you are going.
Why? How? For how long? Why again?
But my gut was clear:
‘Make time and space for this!
Go through it!’
The urgent sensation in my body, that need for change without knowing where to go,
it did not leave me alone. It grew stronger and somewhere around May,
I stumbled into ehhh liminality.
The meanwhile, the big in-between, that phase when the old no longer works
and the new is not yet there. Being on the way to something unknown.
To a future version of myself that I haven't yet met.
I needed time for this.
Time to sort this out and more space to turn inward!
Fortunately, a week at sea was planned.
Some distance from everyday life would surely do me good.
Long walks on the beach and a week to let the wind clear my head, just what I needed!
Slowing down came naturally at the sea.
And I took time to go inside. To feel my body and the life inside me, with loving attention.
Listening deeply and exploring myself with patience and an open curiosity.
Without the expectation or hope of finding an answer. The latter was important,
I could feel it clearly.
Like taking one step at a time, without knowing exactly where to go,
just as we would follow our feet in dense fog.
In anthropology, liminality is seen as a cultural and psychological process of transition across borders and boundaries, as in rites of passage.
They happen in our personal lives, when we make big shifts. Like when a boy becomes a man, when we transition from being single to getting married or living together.
Or in a later stage, when we are in our menopause.
Those phases when the old is no longer there and the new is not yet known.
I had found myself in the middle of it.
That was clear.
The week at sea was wonderful. It brought peace of mind and my whole body,
my gut, my underbelly were telling me:
'This process Nicole, this liminality, this in-between, it has only just begun.
You need much more time and space for this transition, for this transformation
More time to retreat, more time to Not Know
To feel all the desires, ideas and feelings, but not react to them
Make time for this:
Meditate every day, outside and in the first morning light
Go into nature, being quiet and gaze at the trees, the clouds, the stars
Give your feminine and creative side, all the space it needs
Dancing freely and moving your body the way it wants to move
Scratch and draw on large sheets of paper, without it having to look like anything, messy, raw and purely
Make time for self-massages, bathing, reading novels in the hammock
Get out and follow your curiosity, without a plan: make joyful mini quests'
Okay, so that's the plan, I guess.
I didn't have anything better in mind myself, so onward then.
I fully surrendered to it, even made it a priority. For as long as it was needed.
I can tell you now, this summer was one of the most confusing periods of my life.
Following my body and my gut feeling, without understanding why.
Not knowing where I was going. It was not easy for the control-lover in me.
And yes I know that part of me well.
It was also one of the most enriching periods.
In which I dove deeply into myself, encountered my restlessness and convictions
and I had my confidence tested on all sides.
Change, this in-between, it requires surrender and attention, pure awareness.
It requires letting go of expectations and of what we already know.
And when we really let go, something magical happens:
Synchronicity rears its head!
I suddenly bumped into people and I had the most extraordinary ‘chance’ encounters, unexpected energetic conversations and magical moments.
Each of which helped me through the process.
I started experiencing the benefits of my mindfulness practice.
The meditations kept me anchored in my body.
And I was able to observe the different layers in myself well,
without wanting to change anything about it.
Mindfulness is about non-reactive-awareness,
exactly what this process, this change, called for.
At times, my mind was jumping with brilliant solutions and concrete actions I could take.
But my body, my gut, my inner knowing, my belly were clear.
They kept soothing me:
‘No, not now. No not this. No not yet.
This transformation cannot be controlled Nicole,
it has its own form and its own time.
Just trust it.’
For months I gave my feminine side in particular all the space she needed, without reacting to thoughts, wishes, ideas. A kind of next-level surrender for me 😅
A beautiful, rich and confusing time.
Until....
at the end of August, I came across something which flared my inner fire high.
My body woke up and I went all tingly from head to toe. Suddenly there was an obvious:
‘Yes! I am going to follow this!’
My mind totally puzzled.... Really? Why now, why this?
But my body automatically started taking steps. I started exploring things,
reading, mapping possibilities.
Slowly I am coming to the other side of what I would call the Liminality Bridge, that I spent my summer on. I am starting to feel space to explore a new world and new ideas.
And of course I'll keep you posted on where this inner fire will take me, in my next blogs.
I gave a first hint in the instagram post.
But I am really trying to see how this wants to flow naturally.
I found it extraordinary to feel myself changing, shift and transforming so intensely.
But I guess it is also the time for it.
Many people around me are changing.
Earth is changing, societies are changing, economies are changing.
My conclusion? Deep inner change like this, goes together with
pure attention, deep surrender and real trust.
Trust in yourself, in the change process and in Life.
Are you also going through an inner change?
Is life challenging you too, to follow your body and your heart and let go of your mind?
Is isn't easy, I know.
You've got this though!
Be soft and gentle with yourself. And give yourself all the time
and spaciousness you need for this.
Just observe and be.
Mindfulness by the way, provides great bedding for this process.
It has helped me a lot.
For now, I am sending you much love!
Feel free to let me know how you are doing.
See you here next time.
🔥
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